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I don't like Manuel. period. Yes, he and Amanda are doing...whatever, and she is my friend, but that doesn't mean I have to like him.

I'm not going to be so petty as to say that I'm not going to Boston if he goes, but I am thinking of trying to get there under my own power, I've been to Boston before years ago. Maybe I am petty. I don't know. I just think I'll try to skewer him with a toothpick or a straw or something if we spend that much time in the car together and I am pretty sure others feel the same way.

and blood is hard to get out of upholstry. *blink*...I sound like Sarah. but it's TRUE. even glitter can't help him.

speaking of, I'm NOT bringing glitter with me. you guys will all have to suffer without. try not to be too upset.

EDIT: I've been trying to think about my actions BEFORE I do them. I'm trying. so...this is me attempting to prevent more problems. it is so much easier in fencing, there are only a limited number of actions you can do!

Current Mood: discontent
Current Music: Jim Byrnes - No Special Rider

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But you can rest easy on one score. I won't be going to see my friend Shinobi with the rest of you.

And you're still petty. And I'm working on getting back up to form, so you can express all those lovely frustrations with a blade in your hand.

Not quite there yet, but I'm getting better. It doesn't help that I had the bad fortune to choose as my trainer a girl who ... well, never mind. She's not here, she's probably never coming back, so once again I am back to relying on myself.

Should have known this whole ask-other-people-to-help thing was going to end badly. Nathan, is now when I tell you "I told you so"?

So you can have your little fun roadtrip party. I won't be there to spoil your fun.

Manuel

I never said you shouldn't go. see, I'm trying to be nice and not let my feelings upset your fun. if that's petty, then I guess I am. I'm not going to ignore how I feel though.

no where does it say I have to like everyone here and no where does it say you have to either. comprende?

But you are failing.

I am remaining here. Score another one for the Mexican and his friends.

Manuel

...what does Angelo have to do with this?

Should have known this whole ask-other-people-to-help thing was going to end badly. Nathan, is now when I tell you "I told you so"?

No, Manuel, this is where you recognize that there's no tabula rasa for you, or for anyone. Taking a different approach to the life ahead of you doesn't negate the need to deal with your past. You've been here for long enough that you've established relationships, good and bad, and you can't escape having to deal with both sorts. Life doesn't ever give us the privilege of a truly fresh start, but even the things that weigh us down and encourage us to backslide can be turned into things that give us the momentum to move forward. It's a challenge, but a worthwhile one.

I let them strip away my power, I let them dictate my movements, my identity, my self. From what Samson and the medical staff tell me, I was _insane_ when I first got here. You're a psion, Nathan, I would have expected _YOU_ of all people to understand.

I see I am disappointed.

Manuel

I see I'm not the only one who likes the 'one step forward, three steps back' approach.

Understand what, Manuel? If you want my unvarnished opinion, I do think you ought to be going to Boston with the others. I think Clarice and anyone else objecting needed to take your feelings into account, not just theirs.

But I also know that they didn't, and that you're not going. You can either add it to your list of things to be pissed off at the world about, or you can try and understand why it happened and figure out what you can do to make sure it doesn't happen again. The choice is entirely yours.

I'm an empath - or, at least I _was_.

No, I cannot rely on that. Not like this, not as I am.

I can't stop them. I can't work with them. There is only one choice left.

Well, two, but I'm given to understand that Senora Frost and Senor Xavier frown on duelling here. And in the shape I'm in, I could not guarantee that I'd win.

So, really, one choice left. And that one requires me to sacrifice all that I've achieved, all that I have strived for.

But if I must, I must.

Manuel

You are the single most stubborn person ever.

Can you -attempt- to be polite and decent? You know better than this.

.. oh, I give up. None of you are going to be mature about this, ever. Forgot I said anything.

stubborn. My power demands it. If I stop being stubborn, then I lose who I am in the sea of Others.

Is that what you want? For me to be you? And him? And her?

I can never be you.

Manuel

No, I want you to just stop taunting people.

If you stop, and they do not, then they get in trouble for it, and it gives you the moral high ground.

Don't you _SEE_?

It doesn't work like that. It has NEVER worked like that? I once thought as you did.

I now know better.

Manuel

Obviously, you understand neither patience, nor the idea of personal satisfaction.

I think until you do, we should not continue this train of thought, as I am growing rapidly frustrated with you.

Demonstrate to me a time here when it _has_ worked.

I have never seen it, and I have been looking.

Manuel

Maintaining the moral high ground and remaining quiet and distant to someone you dislike until they make the first step?

Really, Manuel. Is your memory that poor?

Did I say those things?

Manuel

No, you were on the other end of them.

Unless you do not recall the conversation we had a week or so ago? Over cookies and Frank's sneezeing on your salad?

Manuel, you're getting to the point where you're not making sense. I can't blame you; I can imagine this is upsetting. But I can tell you from personal experience that you can not make any kind of a reasonable decision when you're feeling cornered. You need to stop, to take a step back and leave this for now. It'll be easier to handle it when you're not in the middle of it. Consider it a strategic (and temporary) retreat.

If, in order to maintain my integrity and develop my Self, I need to withdraw from my entanglements, then I suppose I will have to do so.

You said it yourself - I have established relationships, both good and bad. I need to deal with that.

I will find my own way.

Manuel

...you only fight if you know you will win?

that is unsportsmanlike. and RUDE.

No, it's smart.

There are some things worth dying for. This is not one of those things.

Manuel

who said anything about dying?

I never agreed to fight to the death! I said we could have a BOUT!

There is a difference between a bout and a duel.

Duels are to the death. Didn't your maestro teach you _anything_?

Never mind, never mind, never mind. Forget I said anything.

Manuel

...my COACH taught us to BOUT.

duels are only in the errol flynn movies he made us critique.

Typical Americans.

Manuel

fencing is a SPORT.

Ask Shiro about it - I suspect he was trained in much the same way I was.

It's not just a sport. It's a way of life. It's an attitude, it's a belief, it's a philosophy.

But hey, if you want to put the body-mesh on and flail away with rubber-tipped blunt sticks, be my guest. All of my matches were with live blades and with no padding. First one to bleed lost.

I lost a few, won a few.

Manuel

I've never said it was anything else.

I love it. I practice nearly every day. I used to do double dutch competition and junior dance team too. they're also sports.

I don't think we should have a bout.

I will have to find someone else to cross blades with.

I would ask Shiro, but his way of fighting is very different. Could make it challenging, though.

I seem to remember youm getting all gooey over acquiring your own katana, yes?

Manuel

it will be here in time for my birthday.

A fight against a real swordsman with an actual blade would be most entertaining.

Yes and no. Japanese swordplay isn't solely designed to kill or cause pain. It's a means to improve oneself physically. To make one stronger, faster, and better. That is what my uncle and my cousins taught me when they trained me. When I engage in a battle with an opponent, it is not to kill them, just to prove that I am better. And death does not necessarily prove that.

You're right, Clarice. It is a good idea to think about things before you do them. I want you to think about whether there maybe wasn't a different way to approach this, though...

I would LOVE to just ignore him and usually I do. I'm sure there is a better way to deal with this, it's just that if we weren't so close togehter in the car I could ignore him, whatever. I thought by offering to not be in the car, I would HELP things by preventing the problem. I CAN get their without the car, he can't. I'm just...frustrated.

I TRIED to take his feelings into account and no one said he wasn't going, I thought he was! I was also trying to prevent a problem. guh. sorry.

forgive me for not liking everyone in this place! I don't ask that everyone like me, I KNOW I sometimes drive people crazy! and glitter aside, I'm trying to be better at not doing that! I'm just trying to be the best ME I can. and y'know? I guess I suck at it!

well fuck me.

no Nathan, this isn't aimed all at you. it's jsut a general response to this.

Let's say, just for the sake, of argument, that you had three choices. (You actually had many more than three, but now's probably not the time to get philosophical...)

1) Go in the car.
2) Teleport yourself to Boston.
3) Make this post.

Now, let's look at how these scenarios might have, and in the last case, did play out.

1) Go in the car - You're in an enclosed space with someone you don't like very much. It's probably not all that enjoyable. But, there's an adult there to make sure nothing gets out of hand, and you're only in the enclosed space for a limited amount of time.
2) Teleport yourself to Boston - You go to a teacher privately and ask them if you can do this. If they say no, you get booted back to option 1), which as we've seen, isn't all that catastrophic. If they say yes, you get a chance to exercise your powers under controlled conditions and check your range.
3) Make this post - Manuel is no longer going to Boston. You won't be in the car with anyone you don't like. But you've hurt his feelings, upset other people, and I'm assuming the reaction to your post has probably upset you, as well. The problem is 'solved', but you have a number of new ones, and most of the people involved aren't happy.

I'm not trying to discourage you from thinking things out before you do them, or using your journal to do so. But when the problem involves someone else, you need to be aware that what you say in 'public' can be taken all kinds of different ways, not just the way you meant it. Adding a few more steps to the process of thinking things out can avoid having it turn out like this. Maybe do like what I did above, and make sure you've considered at least three options to a problem (and all their consequences) before you choose one?

Is there some rule that says that people raised in this country must threaten people constantly?

You would all go a long way towards having Manuel possibly, maybe, be decent if you would -stop threatening him-

I believe that threatening to kill people is still a crime in this country, yes?